Ever wondered why love at all?
Ever wondered why it sometimes get complicated?
Ever wondered why you hold on despite the uncertainties?
Ever wondered why you chose the one you chose?
Ever wondered why you will do it all over again?

Love is beautiful and ugly all at once
Love brings out both the best and worst in you
Love can make a sick man well
Love can make a well man sick
Love is can make one start to live again

In My Feelings

My heart is overwhelmed and I’m trying to explain the feeling. I can’t even sleep. It feels like both anger and hurt. My heart races and wrenches at the same time.

I know what it feels when the one you think knows and understands you perfectly holds a past grudge or quarrel over your head. I felt all by myself. It was like all hopes was lost again and the cycle is starting again.

I had reasons to retaliate and point out some past grudges so that I could justify myself and give myself some comfort that I’m not so bad after all.

I’m exhausted but sleep is far from me. My extreme exhaustion after a long day’s work is no longer evident and when I say I want to get away from it all, it is carefully misconstrued. Oh! So depressing it is. 

I can’t go down this path anymore. I have been reborn. I chose life not what others think I should get. Although difficult, I chose to see and believe the best in myself despite what I hear. Even when my tears flow, I will not be broken. Love lives here. That’s final!

MisTrust

 I want to live again in that trust

Trust that we once had

Trust that was unfaltering

I want to believe I have more

Even though I saw it being trampled on

I saw it all but waited

Waited for your admissions

Hoped on your confessions

That I may believe in our redemption

Because hope should make ashamed 

I thought we had friendship

I thought it was a true relationship

I wanted us to be true

Fears allayed, trust unwanted

The perfect example of wholesomeness

When it finally came

It was a confrontation

Then came the admission

Oh! The heartache

Heart shattered in a million pieces 

Heartache perfectly concealed

Over the years in endurance

I thought I could take it

But all I did was fake it

Redemption was not in sight

The spark we had was no more

Gave it my best some more

The hope that maybe someday

All our fear are put allayed

All you ever wanted was be away from me

I asked and you ignored

I prodded and you insinuated it wasn't my business

It made me think ove and over again

I believe I deserve some closure

And I see it is the one thing you won't give

I ask myself, "where did I go wrong?"

I promised never to fall in love and here I am

I promised not to be misled into trusting

Because MisTrust is all I ever knew

And it seems like it is all I will ever know 

Then it finally dawned on me

Even fairytales are not real

All that life has to offer is a lie

From the tender age of 8 till now

I guess I will always live this lie

My Wish

I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish I could have yesterday
I wish I could have planned again
I wish there was a different order to things
Oh how much change that would have made


Love comes at us and takes us in one big sweep
Love, oh how sweet a feeling
Love the language of trust, respect and gratitude
Gratitude for one more chance
To live a life of colour and beauty


And then when the dividends come
All you can do is wonder
Wonder how love can make us do things
And not even give a thought to the outcomes
But, how can we know


Can love make you cry?
Can love drive away your fears?
Can love give you hope and assurance?
Can it make you doubt yourself?
Yes! Love can do all these things


So, I ask for the one thing that will make it count
Strength to keep believing even in doubt
Even with no assurance
Even when there's no one to understand
Strength to be my own shoulder


At the end, all that matters
Is how much we make it count
And lived to the fullest of our potential
Amidst the doubt, fear and hopelessness
This is true living

Aremo

As hot as fire

As discerning as the wise old one

As soothing as a balm

As calming as the gentle breeze

So is your love to me

Every time you touch me

There's never been any touch better

Every time we kiss

The world glows when my eyelids part

And when you hold me

No other place is more comforting

My love, My friend

My joy, My inspiration

You're my reason to live again

You're the reason love is real

You're the very essence of love

You're the reason I understand the Father better

This love that we share

There's nothing to compare

'Tis like Revelation to me

Like wine made from the best grapes

Like a furniture from the finest wood

Never going stale

And against all odds

Even when you don't feel or see it

Be rest assured that what we have is true

Not a fight, a misunderstanding, a stranger

Can stop me from hanging on to the hope

That we will find ourselves again

If love was perfume

My heartbeat!

I'll lavish mine on you

Till every single drop is gone

You'll ever be

In this heart of mine

Love Unalloyed

Life has been quite interesting. Over the past two months I have learnt that life is more multi-dimensional than it actually seem. I've seen troubles, I've seen pains, I've experienced weakness, I've had the feeling that I was just inches away from death. Notwithstanding, I've experienced peace amidst the troubles, relief for my pains, strength when I should be most overwhelmed with weakness and a reason to live for each new day. It is not much of a testimony to other people, but, each time I remember the details of each day that has passed by, tears well up in my eyes in appreciation of God's goodness to me. And, yes, to my family also. I am all that I am because He is with me.

Even in my times of unfaithfulness, God has found me worthy of His matchless love. How humbled and naked I feel each time I go into His presence to seek His face. I wonder to myself, "how can One know your shortcomings so well and yet love you so unalloyed?". Even I do not have the answer to such a question.

A friend once asked, "does love really make you do things without reason?" Before I could answer, another friend of mine said, "Yes, as long as it is an unalloyed kind of love". I was about to say, "not always", when he cited an example I will only try very hard to forget but may never suceed at it. He said, "the purest kind of love is the love of a sinless for sinners that made him willing to die on a cross as a payment for their sins. Yet, this sinless man, Jesus, went ahead, without reason, while he was being taunted on the cross to say, "forgive them for they know not what they do". What love can be a better example?" In his opinion, as long as it is pure love, there is always no justification or reasons for acts done in love. I just had to throw the towel in and agree with him. Yes, I actually did! I concluded that, if we truly love those we love, they do not need to be good for us to be good to them. All we need is love.

Let us love like our very existence depended on it. Give like it is the only way our needs can be provided. And live like we may die the next minute. Above all, having a thankful heart goes a long way in filling our hearts with joy always!

NATURAL VACUUM

I have noticed one very interesting about everything natural, as long as it's not vacuum, cause vacuum in itself is natural. You're probably wondering what is so natural about vacuum. Well, you don't need any effort to create vacuum. Vacuum, another word for "vacant" or "void", just exists by itself. That aside, I'm not talking about vacuum today (topic for another day). Wikipedia has actually covered that part.

Back to nature, it's so refreshing and occupying that you will not notice time pass by and fast too. Life is just so beautiful. Or shall i say natural? We are so blessed to have nature.

Thoughtfulness

It's the end of the year and a time to be thankful. It's not easy to be thankful when it seems like you're always messing up. When you’re always the villain and others are always the victim. Especially at times when the people who you're with say they love and appreciate you but don't even make an extra effort to show you just how much.

How can one be thankful in such a situation?

While I want to write a really long list of things I am thankful for cause the Bible asks that we be thankful no matter what the world throws at us, I will briefly as much as I can think of start and end it somewhere.

Here goes:
Things I'm thankful for:
1. For life. Oxygen is expensive,yet I get it free.
2. For sound mind. I could have gone crazy but I'm here.
3. For strength. I don't know where it comes from but I just keep going.
4. For intellect.

5. For Aremo. The one I'm stuck to forever.

6. For Ayomikun. The one reason for me to keep going. I feel like I'm just 'undeservingly' blessed. Perfect his Healing Lord.
7. For provision.
8. For my brother and sister.
9. For my mum and dad.
10. For the Word of God. My companion in a long time.
11. That all my limbs, cells and organs are in good condition.

12. That even when I go berserk on my husband I still have the common sense not to go to bed angry.
13. That I have a job. Though I've not exactly been an example of the perfect employee.
14. For showing me how irrelevant I am in making things right.
15. For having a reason at all to be thankful.

I didn't think I'd write this much so I guess there are actually reasons to keep going on.

Isoro-Igbesi

"Isoro-Igbesi" is the Yoruba translation of Questions and Answers.

There have been times when all that one can do is to ask questions especially when being overwhelmed will so many activities or challenges in life. Sometimes, after asking those questions, it will seem like you can hear somewhere deep in your heart the answers.

This happened at a point in my life when it seemed all hope was lost and I was just ready to throw in the towel. I could not find the strength to pray and just concentrate while doing it. At this point, I knew there was only one thing to do; just talk to God. It was at this point I began to realize that there was no formal way to God. I simply applied Nike's popular slogan "Just Do It". 

The following conversation ensued in my heart (my thoughts in bold blue):
Where are you Lord when I need You most?
I am here in your heart. I never left you. I am always before you, right behind you and even by your side. I have always remained here with you.

Why do I now feel alone and deserted most times? 

It is because you have allowed the cares of this work take over your trust in God. You have trusted more in men than God. You have put everything that concerns you in the hands of another that needs the help of God also. Instead of God, you have sought their guidance. Hence, the disappointment, the loveliness, the feeling of irrelevance. You have been too far away dear child.

Lord, you know I'm human and I struggle daily to find you. It's just so difficult to seek you when everything seems to become overwhelming. I know I'm supposed to be a Christian, an example unto others, always keeping my focus on you, but for me, it's been easier said than done. Hebrews 12:2 asks that I keep my focus on Jesus. 

 

How do I do that in such overwhelming situations?

Everytime you feel overwhelmed, my child, read the Bible. Just open it up and read. There, you will always find me speaking to your heart. Don't try to fix anything. Let your joy come from me, not what anyone is doing to make you happy. I will give you rest.

 

‎Thank you Lord.

Tough Love

Tough Love
Why do people change?
Why do they treat love as just an euphoria?
Why is there no leverage?
Why does one have to do the surrender?
What happened to lasting love?
Why bother falling in love?


I am full of questions
Because in my heart i feel the hurt
I lack the right actions
Because my mind there is nought
But the clear signs and the difference
The change is my only inference


I am like an open book to you
Pouring out my mind always
I hold nothing back from you
Regardless of what you think of my ways
I do this without fear of loss
But with a deep sense of love


I know that it will only be a miracle
To be loved in the exact same measure
I also know love is immeasurable
Yet it is the feeling that I treasure
That the commitment and open heart
Will be my lot in my sojourn on earth

The Perks of Being a Writing Revolutionist

Well, i'm here again. Yeah, i know that i've hardly been here in a very long time and you're all wondering what's happening. It's been what now? Say five months, right? I can hear you think out loudly. You're thinking, 'but i read her post in February'. Well, i do remember trying to drop a few lines about love. I won't say i was lovetsruck. I guess i just stopped being afraid to tell the world how exactly i felt about that person i truly love and care for. Yeah! You just heard it, I'm in love. And it's sure a beautiful thing.

That's the end of that story. Now to a new one. Or did you think i will just go on giving you such privileged details? No way my dear! That's for another medium. Not a public space. I'm far too private.

I've been trying to write a novel since like forever. I think this thing called procrastination is getting the better of me. I have managed to scribble down the first few pages of the first chapter. The issue is that i have not learnt to put my thoughts together on the theme of the book. I will like to do something that is not normally Nigerian but incorporate the Nigerian setting into the whole plot. I hope you can reconcile that in your mind? (Trust me, it was hard for even my mind to sell such idea to me also)

I just read on SuddenlyMarketing (a very resourceful blog, by the way) about the best way to write. It says, Write drunk, edit sober. Check it out! http://www.suddenlymarketing.com/write-drunk-edit-sober-how-to-blog-like-you-mean-it/ I totally buy the idea! I remember writing once that the best way to write is to just write. It's just that everytime i decide to 'just write' i begin to think of what the other person might think of the copy if he/she saw that i was the one who did the writing. Well, SuddenlyMarketing must have thought about me when writing that post.

I have therefore decided that since it is all on my inside, i might as well just start writing without thinking about the technicality of the copy first and then edit like i'm the editor-in-chief of the whole world. I have not tried it but i believe it isn't a bad strategy because alcohol always brings out the real person in a drunk. In the same way, writing drunk and editing sober will help you communicate your deepest thoughts without fear of not hitting the target intended.

The best writers, i believe, have written because they believed that what they were writing was going to create a sort of revolution somehow and did not care about whom it will favour and whom it will not but whom it will change.

I want to change things! I want to change people positively! I want peace in the world! I will write like every person in the world is reading henceforth and not care a hoot what negativity is injected into my resolve! I will write and will win!

My B

My Baby, Brother, Boo and Best Friend

What more could I wish for in the world

How else should I ask to feel

Why should I pray that it stops

B, you're the reason for my joy

 

Love is indeed a beautiful thing

I never knew this was how it felt

Love for every song I sing

It is new heights I know I get

B, you're reason for my joy

 

For every smile I give out to the world

I know your thought brought it out

For every tear I cried to the world

Your perseverance sought it out

B, you're the reason for my joy

 

You must be an angel from above

God has never felt so dear and close

Just because with you I'm in love

My heart simply froze

B, you're the reason for my joy

Love and Life

Who said love isn't life

Who said love doesn't count

Who thinks life's good without love

Who thinks life's better without love

Who thinks life's best without love

What's the real essence of life

I'll tell you the essence of life

It's in the presence of love

It's in the ability to be oneself

The ability to figure oneself out

The ability to find peace within oneself

That's what love does

Love does give great pleasure

Love also causes great hurt

But, love never lies

It speaks for itself

It cannot be hid

Love shows itself forth always

Yes!

Love is in the heart

Love is also in the eyes

As the heart aches

So the eye tears

Love is physical yet spiritual

When I say "I Love You"

It is because I feel it deep

In the palpitations of my heart

When I say "I Love You"

It is because I see it in my eyes

That you're my only desire!

TRYING TIMES?

This past few months have been really some trying times for me. I have been struggling in different areas of my life and honestly, it has not been easy. Maybe it was because experience always brings out the best in me.

I've been saddled with the responsibility of talking about book of James for some time now and I was wondering what can I possibly say. Don't get me wrong, I could have easily conjured something up. I just didn't want it to be just another thought of mine. I wanted it to be something that everyone of us can relate with. I think I'm almost at that point now. I believe the time is right now though to put my experience and thoughts into words. Hold on tight.

I remember condemning folks about how disgraceful it was to misrepresent the person of our Lord Jesus Christ. Yes, I did that, in all my impeccable, righteous, "I can never fall" self. I hate to confess it, but, I've also been a disgrace! I've made a fool of His name. I've allowed my self fall into the snare of the enemy by letting the lust of heart take over the desires of God for my life. I've been so selfish and careless.

Then, God, in His everlasting kindness and mercy, gently brought emptiness into my spirit so that I could feel the void created by His absence in my life. I began to feel so sorry that I could not approach Him anymore. In His love, He said to my spirit, "count it all joy when you fall into temptations". I quickly picked up my Bible and turned to the book of James. It was there in James 1:2-3.

Trying times does not only mean financial difficulties, failing health, unsettled marriage etc. Trying times, as I've experienced, are times when we walked astray from God to do our own desires. It is that time when we struggle with our loyalty to Him. A time of standing, falling and standing again. It is such a time when we are of ourselves drawn away by our own lusts just to gratify our flesh. Yes, those are trying times.

Then, it makes me wonder why I should rejoice at such a time. It is clear now to me that a man of experience is a man of patience and wisdom. Overcoming trials makes us patient. We become wise because we have learnt from experience and will be able to relate in wisdom to others as to what their reaction will be. A soldier that has battle scars is the one that can be said to have faced the enemy squarely and triumphed. Yes, that is a man of trial!

Woohoo! I feel like preaching now! Patience is a virtue! Yes! When a man is patient, his decisions are not rash! He is the kind of man that "counts the cost" before reacting. Only that kind of man can be like David, "the heartbeat of God". Only that man can have true joy despite all that has happened to him. Only that man can know what it means to make a mistake and still be a winner. Only that man can say that the Christian race is truly an interesting one.

I'm getting really excited but will hold on in Patience and allow you digest all I've said today. Stay glued to this blog and get your mind blown away by the writings of James!

Discipline, Abuse: What's the difference?

"Daddy pleeease, I won't do it again", Seyi pleaded for her dad to stop beating her. Although there's little her repentant pleas would do, she still had to feed his ego to help her feel some relief. He just always seems to get in fits of anger anytime she falters.

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it because you do", her father, Shola, retorted back in anger. And the beatings continue. He seems to get some sort of emotional release by his dastardly act.

"Please have mercy on her, she's just a child, said Wura, Seyi's mother in total grief for the way her husband disciplined their daughter. Each time she tries to shield her daughter's body from the incessant caning by her father, she endures some of those heavy strokes of the cane as a result of Shola's blind rage.

This is usually the scenario in most "disciplinarian" homes in Nigeria where the father is mostly dreaded for his animalistic way of correcting a child's wrongful act.

Child abuse has been taken too lightly from generation to generation. It has even eaten so deep into us that it is counted as part of our culture. We see the barbaric process of beating up a child with any kind of instrument we could lay our hands on as "saving the child's future".

This usually makes children so afraid of us that they end up choosing not to confide their deepest fears or troubles in their parents they rather choose other parties that they feel will not hurt them and most times end up falling victims to such parties.

This brings me back to the story of Seyi and her parents. Seyi's father, Shola, beat her so much for every little mistake and misunderstanding. He was just an outlet for his rage towards any other person including her siblings. It was so much that she began to question her paternity even at the age of six years. She was officially afraid of the almighty father figure in her life.

At the age of eight, something terrible happened to Seyi. Her father's cousin that was staying with them was the only friend she seemed to have. This was because, Uncle Olu, as he is normally addressed, was the only one that was man enough to challenge Shola when he begins his torrential rain of beating on Seyi. He would stand in the way and ensure Shola's beating never got to the hapless girl. He was her angel. Every time he says he had to travel, Seyi's sadness was usually very deep. Her protector was leaving her again. And when he was around, she spent most of the day in his company. She never wanted to leave his side. He meant everything to her.

Then, one fateful day, her constantly short-tempered father and loving and gentle mother was out to work during their holidays. Seyi was in Uncle Olu's company as usual and they were having a nice time talking while her younger ones were somewhere in the compound, playing with other children. After reassuring her and firmly locking the door, Uncle Olu took her dignity. Though she was too young to understand, she was to realise after several years that she was not a virgin. She had been violated and it continued for another seven years. But, it remained her big secret.

She could never confide in her mother because Wura's sole confidant was Shola. And Seyi could not bear the thought of what might happen to her or her angel Uncle Olu if Shola ever got to find out. She had been abused physically, emotionally and decided that she would be strong through it all. And she was. It has been her big secret till the day she decided to confide in me.

When i asked her what she thought might have allowed this, her reply was hinged on the fact that, if she had not been so physically abused by her father, she might have been able to summon the courage to tell her mother. Although she is a stronger woman today, she is a firm believer that physically abusing your children tends to build a wall between you two and can never be for the best. Her prayer is that she never does the same to her children but to be their friends enough that she could scold them and yet be their friends and confidant.

I have also learnt from Seyi's story that beating a child so vigorously in anger for a display of stupidity cannot bring out the best in the child. I always advice that when your child does something wrong, counsel the child and pray for the child as well, because beating doesn't always change a child. In fact, from experience, when you beat a child too much, discipline does not mean a thing to him/her again. We should always seek God's help concerning our children.

Work on a moonday

Alphabeth of Sirach

I found this during a research and it seems really interesting to me. It is a part of the banned books of the bible. It is called the alphabeth of Sirach. I hope you find it as interesting as i did too.

1. "Honor the Ethiopian before thou hast need of him" (Eccles. 38:1)
2. "If a son do not conduct himself like a son, let him float on the water."
3. "Gnaw the bone that falls to thy lot whether it be good or bad."
4. "Gold must be hammered, and the child must be beaten."
5. "Be good and refuse not thy portion of good."
6. "Woe to the wicked man and woe to his companions."
7. "Cast thy bread upon the waters and upon the land, for thou shalt find it after many days" (Eccles. 11:1)
8. "Hast thou seen a black ass? [Then] it was neither black nor white."
9. "Bestow no good upon that which is evil, and no evil will befall thee."
10. "Restrain not thy hand from doing good."
11. "The bride enters the bridal chamber and, nevertheless, knows not what will befall her."
12. "A nod to the wise is sufficient; the fool requires a blow." (Proverbs 22:15)
13. "He who honors them that despise him is like an ass."
14. "A fire, when it is kindled, burns many sheaves" (James 3:5)
15. "An old woman in the house is a good omen in the house"
16. "Even a good surety has to be applied to for a hundred morrows; a bad one for a hundred thousand."
17. "Rise quickly from the table and thou wilt avoid disputes."
18. "In thy business deal only with the upright."
19. "If the goods are near at hand, the owner consumes them; but if they are at a distance, they consume him."
20. "Do not disavow an old friend."
21. "Thou mayest have sixty counselors, but do not give up thy own opinion"
22. "He that was first satisfied and then hungry will offer thee his hand; but not he that was first hungry and then satisfied."

FOR HOW LONG???

For how long?

For how long will I keep these emotions bottled in?

For how long will I refuse to tell you something because I don’t want to hurt you

For how long will we stop being just partners and start being friends again?

For how long?

For how long?

For how long will I continue to allow you be the person you did not used to be?

For how long will you stop being the person I never knew?

For how long will I wait to have you be the friend I once had?

For how long?

For how long?

For how long will this pain last?

For how long will my heart continue to be broken?

For how long can I keep up the bold face?

For how long will I be without my friend?

For how long?