In My Feelings

My heart is overwhelmed and I’m trying to explain the feeling. I can’t even sleep. It feels like both anger and hurt. My heart races and wrenches at the same time.

I know what it feels when the one you think knows and understands you perfectly holds a past grudge or quarrel over your head. I felt all by myself. It was like all hopes was lost again and the cycle is starting again.

I had reasons to retaliate and point out some past grudges so that I could justify myself and give myself some comfort that I’m not so bad after all.

I’m exhausted but sleep is far from me. My extreme exhaustion after a long day’s work is no longer evident and when I say I want to get away from it all, it is carefully misconstrued. Oh! So depressing it is. 

I can’t go down this path anymore. I have been reborn. I chose life not what others think I should get. Although difficult, I chose to see and believe the best in myself despite what I hear. Even when my tears flow, I will not be broken. Love lives here. That’s final!

MisTrust

 I want to live again in that trust

Trust that we once had

Trust that was unfaltering

I want to believe I have more

Even though I saw it being trampled on

I saw it all but waited

Waited for your admissions

Hoped on your confessions

That I may believe in our redemption

Because hope should make ashamed 

I thought we had friendship

I thought it was a true relationship

I wanted us to be true

Fears allayed, trust unwanted

The perfect example of wholesomeness

When it finally came

It was a confrontation

Then came the admission

Oh! The heartache

Heart shattered in a million pieces 

Heartache perfectly concealed

Over the years in endurance

I thought I could take it

But all I did was fake it

Redemption was not in sight

The spark we had was no more

Gave it my best some more

The hope that maybe someday

All our fear are put allayed

All you ever wanted was be away from me

I asked and you ignored

I prodded and you insinuated it wasn't my business

It made me think ove and over again

I believe I deserve some closure

And I see it is the one thing you won't give

I ask myself, "where did I go wrong?"

I promised never to fall in love and here I am

I promised not to be misled into trusting

Because MisTrust is all I ever knew

And it seems like it is all I will ever know 

Then it finally dawned on me

Even fairytales are not real

All that life has to offer is a lie

From the tender age of 8 till now

I guess I will always live this lie

My Wish

I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish I could have yesterday
I wish I could have planned again
I wish there was a different order to things
Oh how much change that would have made


Love comes at us and takes us in one big sweep
Love, oh how sweet a feeling
Love the language of trust, respect and gratitude
Gratitude for one more chance
To live a life of colour and beauty


And then when the dividends come
All you can do is wonder
Wonder how love can make us do things
And not even give a thought to the outcomes
But, how can we know


Can love make you cry?
Can love drive away your fears?
Can love give you hope and assurance?
Can it make you doubt yourself?
Yes! Love can do all these things


So, I ask for the one thing that will make it count
Strength to keep believing even in doubt
Even with no assurance
Even when there's no one to understand
Strength to be my own shoulder


At the end, all that matters
Is how much we make it count
And lived to the fullest of our potential
Amidst the doubt, fear and hopelessness
This is true living

Aremo

As hot as fire

As discerning as the wise old one

As soothing as a balm

As calming as the gentle breeze

So is your love to me

Every time you touch me

There's never been any touch better

Every time we kiss

The world glows when my eyelids part

And when you hold me

No other place is more comforting

My love, My friend

My joy, My inspiration

You're my reason to live again

You're the reason love is real

You're the very essence of love

You're the reason I understand the Father better

This love that we share

There's nothing to compare

'Tis like Revelation to me

Like wine made from the best grapes

Like a furniture from the finest wood

Never going stale

And against all odds

Even when you don't feel or see it

Be rest assured that what we have is true

Not a fight, a misunderstanding, a stranger

Can stop me from hanging on to the hope

That we will find ourselves again

If love was perfume

My heartbeat!

I'll lavish mine on you

Till every single drop is gone

You'll ever be

In this heart of mine

Love Unalloyed

Life has been quite interesting. Over the past two months I have learnt that life is more multi-dimensional than it actually seem. I've seen troubles, I've seen pains, I've experienced weakness, I've had the feeling that I was just inches away from death. Notwithstanding, I've experienced peace amidst the troubles, relief for my pains, strength when I should be most overwhelmed with weakness and a reason to live for each new day. It is not much of a testimony to other people, but, each time I remember the details of each day that has passed by, tears well up in my eyes in appreciation of God's goodness to me. And, yes, to my family also. I am all that I am because He is with me.

Even in my times of unfaithfulness, God has found me worthy of His matchless love. How humbled and naked I feel each time I go into His presence to seek His face. I wonder to myself, "how can One know your shortcomings so well and yet love you so unalloyed?". Even I do not have the answer to such a question.

A friend once asked, "does love really make you do things without reason?" Before I could answer, another friend of mine said, "Yes, as long as it is an unalloyed kind of love". I was about to say, "not always", when he cited an example I will only try very hard to forget but may never suceed at it. He said, "the purest kind of love is the love of a sinless for sinners that made him willing to die on a cross as a payment for their sins. Yet, this sinless man, Jesus, went ahead, without reason, while he was being taunted on the cross to say, "forgive them for they know not what they do". What love can be a better example?" In his opinion, as long as it is pure love, there is always no justification or reasons for acts done in love. I just had to throw the towel in and agree with him. Yes, I actually did! I concluded that, if we truly love those we love, they do not need to be good for us to be good to them. All we need is love.

Let us love like our very existence depended on it. Give like it is the only way our needs can be provided. And live like we may die the next minute. Above all, having a thankful heart goes a long way in filling our hearts with joy always!