Discipline, Abuse: What's the difference?

"Daddy pleeease, I won't do it again", Seyi pleaded for her dad to stop beating her. Although there's little her repentant pleas would do, she still had to feed his ego to help her feel some relief. He just always seems to get in fits of anger anytime she falters.

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it because you do", her father, Shola, retorted back in anger. And the beatings continue. He seems to get some sort of emotional release by his dastardly act.

"Please have mercy on her, she's just a child, said Wura, Seyi's mother in total grief for the way her husband disciplined their daughter. Each time she tries to shield her daughter's body from the incessant caning by her father, she endures some of those heavy strokes of the cane as a result of Shola's blind rage.

This is usually the scenario in most "disciplinarian" homes in Nigeria where the father is mostly dreaded for his animalistic way of correcting a child's wrongful act.

Child abuse has been taken too lightly from generation to generation. It has even eaten so deep into us that it is counted as part of our culture. We see the barbaric process of beating up a child with any kind of instrument we could lay our hands on as "saving the child's future".

This usually makes children so afraid of us that they end up choosing not to confide their deepest fears or troubles in their parents they rather choose other parties that they feel will not hurt them and most times end up falling victims to such parties.

This brings me back to the story of Seyi and her parents. Seyi's father, Shola, beat her so much for every little mistake and misunderstanding. He was just an outlet for his rage towards any other person including her siblings. It was so much that she began to question her paternity even at the age of six years. She was officially afraid of the almighty father figure in her life.

At the age of eight, something terrible happened to Seyi. Her father's cousin that was staying with them was the only friend she seemed to have. This was because, Uncle Olu, as he is normally addressed, was the only one that was man enough to challenge Shola when he begins his torrential rain of beating on Seyi. He would stand in the way and ensure Shola's beating never got to the hapless girl. He was her angel. Every time he says he had to travel, Seyi's sadness was usually very deep. Her protector was leaving her again. And when he was around, she spent most of the day in his company. She never wanted to leave his side. He meant everything to her.

Then, one fateful day, her constantly short-tempered father and loving and gentle mother was out to work during their holidays. Seyi was in Uncle Olu's company as usual and they were having a nice time talking while her younger ones were somewhere in the compound, playing with other children. After reassuring her and firmly locking the door, Uncle Olu took her dignity. Though she was too young to understand, she was to realise after several years that she was not a virgin. She had been violated and it continued for another seven years. But, it remained her big secret.

She could never confide in her mother because Wura's sole confidant was Shola. And Seyi could not bear the thought of what might happen to her or her angel Uncle Olu if Shola ever got to find out. She had been abused physically, emotionally and decided that she would be strong through it all. And she was. It has been her big secret till the day she decided to confide in me.

When i asked her what she thought might have allowed this, her reply was hinged on the fact that, if she had not been so physically abused by her father, she might have been able to summon the courage to tell her mother. Although she is a stronger woman today, she is a firm believer that physically abusing your children tends to build a wall between you two and can never be for the best. Her prayer is that she never does the same to her children but to be their friends enough that she could scold them and yet be their friends and confidant.

I have also learnt from Seyi's story that beating a child so vigorously in anger for a display of stupidity cannot bring out the best in the child. I always advice that when your child does something wrong, counsel the child and pray for the child as well, because beating doesn't always change a child. In fact, from experience, when you beat a child too much, discipline does not mean a thing to him/her again. We should always seek God's help concerning our children.